Category Archives: Experiences

That Time of the Month

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You sit, you stand, you stretch, you walk, you’re not actually sure which position you should be in.

You’re hungry but you don’t want to eat cause you’re scared the food will greet you again in a few minutes looking a bit gooey.

You love everybody, your life is ending, why doesn’t anybody understand you, you laugh, you cry – all in a matter of 30 seconds.

*Side note: this is meant for ladies only, but testosterone is welcome too.

Joy, it’s that time of the month. Some women can relate and some just don’t get it. When I was in primary school around 11-12 years of age, I just wanted to start my period, it felt like every other girl was on their period except me. I complained to my mother so many times asking her why I haven’t started my periods, as if she could jump-start them or something, and she’d tell me I’m still young. I wanted to buy pads and complain about period pains too.

Out of the blue on December the 24th, visiting in a rural part of Zimbabwe, I say to my mom, “there’s blood”, I was so happy! This was like a Christmas gift from heaven, it’s just awkward that my first pad was wrapped up tissue and cotton wool, but I didn’t care, I felt grown!

I started my period when I was 13 years old, I had no period pains at all for the first few years, until 2009 when I was 19. Out of nowhere I had cramps going from my lower abdomen to my back and I was like, who are you and where do you come from?! From that year I understood what period pains are and why people would skip school because of them. Those things are PAINFUL.

I get nausea,  headaches, cramps etc, and I sometimes go through the weirdest emotions, I’ll cry cause of an advert, get angry cause the water wasn’t coming out right in the shower, be happy because it’s a beautiful day outside and expect everybody to understand me. It’s a bit mental really.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
and do not lean on your own understanding.
 In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make straight your paths. – Prov 3:5-6 [ESV]

At that time I feel like it is the most normal thing, like why is the water not coming out properly, what is wrong with this shower, who made this shower, what is wrong with the world?! It escalates pretty quickly and after that emotion dies down and I have time to reflect on it, I wonder how water got me so angry?

This is something I feel as ladies we should prepare ourselves for. If you know that like me, you go through periods of unstable emotions, make ways to ensure as minimal damage as possible. It is during these times that you are prone to complain, nag, and just be that huge fly that doesn’t wanna get out the kitchen.

Do not lean on your own understanding – You may feel like it is perfectly reasonable to get angry and shout at your friend because she brought you grape flavoured gum instead of berry flavoured gum. Firstly, you need to understand that this is a temporary emotion, it will be gone in a few seconds, minutes or even hours. It is not wise to act on temporary emotions such as anger because you could say things you do not mean and hurt the person it is directed to. You could overreact and give undue punishment for something really small and many other things you may regret later on.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart – When emotions are running high – STOP. The temptation at this point is sky-high, everything in you will justify wrong actions to fulfill whatever desire you have in your heart. Say no and choose to trust in the Lord.

But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death. – James 1:14-15 [ESV]

Yesterday night I just wanted to have a nice hot shower before going to bed, I go to the bathroom, leave the water on so it can get hot while preparing my stuff, a minute later I check on the water and it is ice-cold. I was so ready to go to my mom and shout at her for switching off the geyser, I was angry. Thank the Lord I remembered to just stop, calm down and think. I wanted to take a hot shower, nothing wrong with that, I wanted to take a hot shower NOW, something wrong with that. I felt I had the right to be angry, maybe nothing wrong with that, I felt like I could act any way I wanted because I was on my period and therefore she must understand, something wrong with that.

In the heat of the moment I was just thinking about now, after I stopped and thought, I could reason and think to go switch the geyser on and wait about an hour for the water to heat up. I wanted to shout at my mom cause she switched the geyser off, forgetting that she does that to save electricity which benefits us and Eskom – hopefully there’ll be less load shedding :’). The consequences of acting on that anger could have been anything from an uncessary fight to a killing of character.

Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger,  and give no opportunity to the devil. – Eph 4:26-27 [ESV]

Honestly, that time of the month is perfect conditions for the devil to reside. You feel justified in your actions because you’re hormonal – stop and leant not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge the Lord. The Lord created us, He knows what we go through, He does not tempt us but He does equip us with a way of escape (1 Cor 10:13). TRUST HIM in those exact moments. Choose rather to obey Him which is usually the harder option, than to give into your desires.

There is nothing wrong with emotions, they allow us to be joyful with others, be sad with others and many other wonderful things, but don’t act on your emotions impulsively and justify it by that time of the month. Let it rather be a time to give thanks to the Lord for the gifts of self-control and the opportunity to turn to Him multiple times in one day asking for wisdom and calmness. You’ll neeed that prayer sister.

I’ll be working on that too…


Between the 25th of November and 16th of December it will be 16 Days of Activism for No Violence Against Women and Children here in South Africa. It is an international campaign though, so I thought I should take that time to post on abuse, physical and sexual, the statistics; share maybe one or two stories and possible ways we could deal with it as Christians.

If you would like to share your story or have any questions you would like me to address please don’t hesitate to contact me and state whether you would like to remain anonymous or not. I don’t have all the answers but I will do as much praying and research as I possibly can to make sure that post is helpful.

You can email me on: sola5er@yahoo.com

Exposed

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“Father, thank you for allowing me the privilege to come before you, a holy God, with my petitions. Thank you flooor bu–nny egg bake – *snore* you’re so good and beautiful catterpi-created you all-er” … Aaaand I’m waking up the next day.

Those nights I’m like “no sleep formed against me shall prosper” *getting into bed, “I will pray!” Are the very nights that sleep overpowers and conquers me so bad I wake up the next morning saying “amen” thinking I just finished praying.

“Holy, holy, holy is the LORD of hosts; the whole earth is full of his glory!”…”Woe is me! For I am lost; for I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips; for my eyes have seen the King, the LORD of hosts!” – Isaiah 6:1-5

It’s days like these that cause me to question whether I really understand what is meant by God is holy. Isaiah is there crying woe is me; creatures say holy holy holy, day and night; the Seraphim covered his feet and face; and there is me, falling asleep.

Naturally I tell a friend or someone about what happened because I feel bad, and I get things like, at least you slept in prayer, some people don’t pray. But Aha! That’s the problem. “I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips”, I measure myself against the wrong scale.

When you fail a test at school,you don’t look for the person with the highest mark to boast about your failure because it doesn’t feel nice to be exposed on things you’ve failed to accomplish. But that’s exactly what we need  in our lives, to be exposed to God’s holiness, perfection, that we may see just how dismally we fail.

 Compared to other people we may seem alright, in fact we may even earn titles, ‘the girl with the prayer book’, ‘the guy who hides verses in his pockets’, but compared to God, sha, a drop of water in the ocean, we just don’t compare.

So what’s the fuss about sleeping while praying? It shows a lack of reverence, respect or appreciation. We sleep because we’re tired, we normally get tired after hours of being awake. I know that by 9pm my mind starts shutting down, if I try and read anything, I will fall asleep. The disciples fell asleep when they were supposed to be praying as well (Matthew 26:41-43), they were tired shem, “the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak”.

I can’t imagine someone getting to work to sleep, besides getting fired, people would ask why they don’t sleep enough at home. We’re taught to take our jobs and schooling seriously, we should take the LORD even more seriously. Instead of choosing times when we know we’re incapable of praying or reading God’s word, rather choose times where you are fully alert if you decide to wake up in the morning and not tired if you decide to do it in the evening.

“But we pray to God that you may not do wrong—not that we may appear to have met the test, but that you may do what is right, though we may seem to have failed” – 2 Corinthians 13:7

We have great need to be in prayer, we’re always ready to sin and without God’s word we could never know what He finds as sin, and we could lead ourselves blindly thinking we are going in the right path simply because we are using the wrong measuring scale.

“…Yet if it had not been for the law, I would not have known sin. For I would not have known what it is to covet if the law had not said, “You shall not covet.” – Romans 7:7

Praise the LORD for His word, which teaches us and prepares us for all that we need to glorify Him and grow in His grace through His son Jesus Christ. Even though it’s tough to fight against our own flesh, yield to Christ and cry out to Him, He will strengthen you.

Cam cam on my phone, make me fairest of them all

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Beauty is in the eye of the camera…

There you are balancing on the basin and toilet seat trying to get just the right lighting from the ceiling light; moving around all corners of the house to get that perfect shot. Perfect make-up on, cute top with pyjama bottoms cause you haven’t even bathed. So are the days of our lives.

These are just some of the struggles we go through in our selfie age. The incessant need to always look perfect penetrates every part of our lives through social media, TV shows, songs and whatever else you can think of. Seriously, our struggle is real!

I happen to have a couple of fashion forward friends, so every time I go onto Instagram #OOTD #WokeUpLikeThis are nothing new to me. (Incase you’re unfamiliar, OOTD = Outfit of the day). My friends look like something straight out of a glamour magazine, basically flawless, and I ask myself how in the world they and so many other people are able to do that every single day?

They promise them freedom, but they themselves are slaves of corruption. For whatever overcomes a person, to that he is enslaved. – 2 Peter 2:19

Most people didn’t start off on a “woke up like this” tip. Looking back at when I first got to varsity, a lot of us started off looking like rural kids slapped by hip hop culture, sporting sneakers and skinny jeans thinking we were the hottest thing after the sun. After landing on campus, you quickly learn that what you and your parents thought were cool clothes, are nothing but a picture of laughter.

But what changed the way that we dress? Well, I realised that when I dressed a certain way, I got more attention than when I dressed modestly. I remember the first time I was “fishing”, no not catching fish, but wearing something short and revealing, I was so uncomfortable, I felt naked. After a few drinks and the constant assurance from friends that you’re just showing what the good LORD has given you, do you boo! I was feeling like a star. We got to Stones ( a club nearby school), and did I dance! I just wanted to be seen and noticed, and well I got what I wanted, a whole lot of attention. The next day, one of the guys contacted me asking me to come over to his place, just the two of us…

So much for freedom and doing “you”. I didn’t go, but it was enough to make me see that this freedom of doing me came with a hidden price tag of shame. Interestingly enough, I had a conversation with my brother yesterday and he was telling me I should be free and not be too Christian. One of the things he said opened my eyes to how blinded we can be by sin. He said he can be a good person, doing good deeds and that to him is a life of Christ as long as he believes that Christ is LORD then all is okay, but “there’s one thing I can’t stop, and that’s sex, I’ve already done it and I can’t get out of it now”. Does that not sound like enslavement?

We’re so bombarded with the thoughts of being free in this life, yet those things we call freedom are enslavement, and it’s being a slave to the flesh. With all the images of perfection flashing before our eyes on a daily basis, it’s easy to make our focus be on external beauty – being thin, penciling in those nicely arched eyebrows – instead of fearing and honouring the LORD with our bodies, making us slaves of beauty. Vanity much?!

I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, by the gazelles or the does of the field, that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases. – Song of Solomon 2:7

I knew that when I wore that dress, I wanted a certain kind of attention, I was awakening love at the wrong time. When we take selfies on the bed with those eyes, you know those eyes that are stretched up to your ears, and a pout that competes with a pig’s snout, we are sending a message. When we dress in a sensual way, convincing ourselves that we’re just showing what our mammas gave us, we are sending a message. Filters can make our appearance look better to others, but they cannot erase the gunk in our hearts that the holy God sees.

If your mom doesn’t remember what you look like without make-up, or you  can’t go to church because you don’t have a cute dress to match your new shoes, there’s a problem.

Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear – 1 Peter 3:3

Just because you own an “I love JESUS” cap, and people think you’re  sweet because you’re always fashionably on point yet sweet at the same time, if you are overcome by the things of this world, that is surely the thing that has conquered you and not Christ. You’re able to wake up earlier to ensure that you look best, but “it’s too early” to wake up to spend time with the LORD… I think I’ve made my point.

Beauty is not in the eye of the camera, it’s in the heart of a woman who fears the LORD. You may look gorgeous and sexy to yourself and millions of others before or after that filter, but that means nothing. We are called to be different, we’re ALIENS. Aim to rather grow in the LORD than to be the prettiest girl around.

So let’s be on constant guard and watch against ourselves, we have all the natural qualifications to justify our sinful desires, so qualified we manage to fool ourselves daily. We can fool ourselves and all the people around us, but never can we fool God. On that note, let me end off with this verse:

Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap. For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life. – Galatians 6:7-8

May we keep our hope firmly in Christ, always ready to answer for the hope we have and looking forward to the day we finally get to meet our Saviour. Woop woop!

Graceless Christ?

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I hear a lot of people say we portray Christ to the people we interact with in our lives.

I ask the LORD for people to read scripture and know Him so that I may be proven right in what I’ve said.

“You ask and do not receive because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions”

James 4:1-3

I fight and fight with a person about scripture, raising my voice, getting angry and condemning the person as if I don’t do what they do as well. I get self righteous in the heat of those moments, it stops being about Christ and the grace that we’ve been shown to being about me and how I can win the battle. I leave these arguments feeling some kind of way. On the one hand I try and convince myself that I am humbe and praying for this person to come to know the LORD and read scripture right, on the other hand I’m like you fool, you shouted and threw your long arms all over the show to win a battle and you hardened a heart – well done! Aargh.

The joys of being a young Christian. We do foolish things, we’re zealous for sure, but yo the things that escape this small opening called the mouth are things only Christ can save us from.

I had the wonderful opportunity to watch my gran teach scripture during “Thabelo” (Venda for prayer), she handled tough verses with such kindness & grace, I knew I would be a fool to not take that as a lesson and gentle rebuke.

“A gentle tongue is a tree of life,
    but perverseness in it breaks the spirit.”

-Proverbs 15:4

I always used to think old people are … well… old, and that to me meant boring and outdated, and they prove it so well with their inability to answer cell phone calls or write an sms. As usual though, my gran proves to me over and over again how wonderful the LORD is. She may not be the most technologically advanced, or know any of the latest happenings in the world, but she sure has wisdom, and how much more beautiful when it’s godly wisdom.

“Wisdom is with the aged, and understanding in length of days.”

-Job 12:12

She never stopped doing Thabelo even when we’d laugh as kids, or when my aunts or mom fell asleep during Thabelo. She’s been doing this for years, and only now I’m starting to appreciate it all.  Her gentleness which I used to take as weakness, has proven to be just another one of the fruits of the spirit that she possesses.

“They still bear fruit in old age; they are ever full of sap and green”

– Psalm 92:14-15

I can only pray that the LORD would keep me to such an old age, to perservere to the end. To show grace and mercy where needed, and not push my own agendas to glorify myself. As we’ve been shown grace, may we also walk like our Saviour walked, showing grace, kindness, humility, gentleness and love everytime the opportunity arises…

Glory be to our LORD and Saviour forever and ever. Amen.

Darkness to Light

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Darkness, confusion, lusting after a life of good times alone, that was the prize i placed my hope in, but it never came…
Always came close but never quite got there…

I thought if I did better in this, got better at that, beat this one in this maybe then the smile I am known for would have real reason, but it never came…
Drawing me closer and closer with glittering sparks dancing around calling my name promising more… The sparks kept glittering till they were no more, there I was, lost in a dark unknown place with no one to call.

Why had I moved cause I never quite got there…

Instead of bringing darkness to the light, I let the darkness consume and reduce me to nothing. Around me was nothing. Inside me was nothing. That’s what I was – nothing.

She thought I was bluffing
the thoughts of all those hands…
man, my mind was rushing
All i wanted was to numb the pain
Never to go through it again
So I did something insane not knowing it would be in vain.

pop, swallow, 1
can’t believe I’m doing this
pop swallow, 2
but why would they do that to me
pop swallow, 3
failure defines my life, I’ll never be anything, to anyone
pop swallow 4
Life is better off without me,
pop swallow 5,6,7,8
Now I’ve lost count.
there’s no more pain
sister’s calling
I’m saying please don’t tell dad

paramedic poking me
keep your eyes open
ambulance rushing
family members all around me
This must be what it’s like to be loved
two days later, now I know what I’ve done

16 year old kid tryna take air with a pill
7 years later I’m sitting here writing this story
grateful to God that my life was spared
it’s all by grace that I am where I am
Finally I have found my peace, my joy, my life
If He hadn’t died on that cross and risen again
I’d still be a dead soul with no knowledge of truth
Lot’s wife
Pillar in one place, stuck in the past hoping in a hopeless situation…

#LifeInChrist
#BornAgain

This was something I wrote 22nd October 2013. 7 years prior to that, I had attempted to commit suicide, and clearly I failed at that, and I thank God for that cause I was not saved. I know sometimes it feels as though things will never get better, and life will always be horrible with challenges at every corner. Well, there will be better days, and there will be slumpy days, but challenges will most probably always be there. The difference between me then and now is Christ. I’ve been made a new creation by His grace, and the old has passed away. No longer is everything about me, and the awesome thing about that is God’s glory has become first in my life, He is my father, and I want to please Him.

You know how Romans 8:28 says “those who love God all things work together for good”?
It is so true. Reflecting on how my sins were placed on Jesus, to the point where He cried out “My God my God, why have you forsaken me?“, that must have been the most painful thing ever, to be abandoned by His father, when he was the one person who never, not once, sinned – all for us. Since life is now Christ and no longer me, the challenges that do come, I can count them all joy knwoing they will produce steadfastness as I learn to lean on and trust God completely in all areas of my life and submit to His word.

When I think about how people sinned against me and hurt me, I quickly remember, or rather try to, that God loved me while I was still in my sins, and forgave me of my sins because of His son. Who am I to not forgive when others sin against me, when I have been so freely forgiven without having done anything to deserve that forgiveness. Even when I sin against other people, which I have done countless times, intentionally and unintentionally, when I see that I have sinned against them, I know I have sinned against God too, and in repentance I seek mercy from my Father and forgiveness from the person I’ve sinned against, and the lovely feeling I get when someone forgives me is priceless. It literally feels like the most precious gift ever. I should therefore also seek to give people that “gift” cheerfully when they come and ask for forgiveness. Another thing that just completely humbles me is how by God’s grace I have been saved from eternity in Hell, which is the worst thing that could ever happen to anybody, all the other challenges that happen on this Earth, are so small compared to what I have been saved from, and the story of Job just reminds me of how much my faith should be unwavering.

“Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.” – Psalm 34:8

Crushing the Trust

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Ow the joys of being in love! Seeing him smile, the way he carries himself in godliness, his leadership that seems to come so naturally, how he just handles scripture… One problem, he is not yours.

The crush! If you haven’t gone through it, please teach me your ways! Being a single seems to be somewhat of a hot topic, like people don’t know what to do with themselves while their single. It just makes it worse when there is a mature godly somebody wondering around in your midsts, like, where to from here?

Well, if you were hoping to find a list of what to do to get over a crush or something like that, I’m sorry, no such thing here, BUT, I think I may just have something that should get us all thinking about what we treasure in our hearts.

Before I end up sounding like I’m a miss perfect let me share a bit of my crush story so you know where all this comes from. There was a certain somebody, *cough*, let’s call him Jay, and Jay is a godly guy, uses his mind, strength, body etc for the glory of God, he’s just that soul’d out guy for the Lord and he’s easy on the eye too. So, single me noticed single Jay and well, it was late for me. My mind became a cinema of endless romantic movies starring Jay and I. One movie we were missionaries out in the most undeveloped parts of the world, another I was perfect homemaker and mother and he was perfect father and worked hard to provide for the family, always the perfect reflection of how Christ loved the church. It all seems pretty cute huh? The problem is it had now become the thing that I loved to dwell on all day. It seemed like everything I did was no longer to please God but inwardly it was to get Jay to notice me and my oh so godly ways.

A God-given and beautiful desire, I had now to turned into an idol, I’d totally win the depravity award huh? Yeah, so that brought me to a place where I had to question what is my heart’s true desire. When I do something, am I doing it to get his attention, or am I truly doing it as an act of obedience to God. It is hard to sit down and truly question your intentions when you have a crush, because it becomes as easy as breathing to justify yourself somehow in doing whatever you are doing.
A neat example, you’re invited to a church event, and you were not planning to go because you have another plan, then you hear that your crush is going. Suddenly the other plan is no longer so important, and church events are always good in growing in the Lord, see where this is going?

“Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life”

 [Proverbs 4:23]

When we lose our sense of self-control and allow our emotions to take over, when we allow ourselves to put ANYTHING above God, we are leading ourselves straight to death. Being single we should never allow our emotions to crush our trust in God. He is, or at least should be the number one factor in our lives. Jesus taught us practically to always do the will of God even when it hurts most, this is a bit extreme though but it clearly shows how we should put ourselves in the background and trust God fully in everything, asking for His will to be done and not ours.

“…he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, My father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will”

[Matthew 26:39]

And that’s how it should be. Let’s not get so taken up by our desires that we put them above God, there is NOTHING wrong with desiring marriage and all that good stuff, but it shouldn’t be our idol. Let us be holy as He is holy, living our lives for His glory, we’re single, that’s all, we have all the gifts and abilities that God has given us to glorify Him NOW.

“The Lord is my strength and my shield;
in him my heart trusts, and I am helped;
my heart exults,
and with my song I give thanks to him”

[Psalm 28:7]