Tag Archives: biblical womanhood

Darkness to Light


Darkness, confusion, lusting after a life of good times alone, that was the prize i placed my hope in, but it never came…
Always came close but never quite got there…

I thought if I did better in this, got better at that, beat this one in this maybe then the smile I am known for would have real reason, but it never came…
Drawing me closer and closer with glittering sparks dancing around calling my name promising more… The sparks kept glittering till they were no more, there I was, lost in a dark unknown place with no one to call.

Why had I moved cause I never quite got there…

Instead of bringing darkness to the light, I let the darkness consume and reduce me to nothing. Around me was nothing. Inside me was nothing. That’s what I was – nothing.

She thought I was bluffing
the thoughts of all those hands…
man, my mind was rushing
All i wanted was to numb the pain
Never to go through it again
So I did something insane not knowing it would be in vain.

pop, swallow, 1
can’t believe I’m doing this
pop swallow, 2
but why would they do that to me
pop swallow, 3
failure defines my life, I’ll never be anything, to anyone
pop swallow 4
Life is better off without me,
pop swallow 5,6,7,8
Now I’ve lost count.
there’s no more pain
sister’s calling
I’m saying please don’t tell dad

paramedic poking me
keep your eyes open
ambulance rushing
family members all around me
This must be what it’s like to be loved
two days later, now I know what I’ve done

16 year old kid tryna take air with a pill
7 years later I’m sitting here writing this story
grateful to God that my life was spared
it’s all by grace that I am where I am
Finally I have found my peace, my joy, my life
If He hadn’t died on that cross and risen again
I’d still be a dead soul with no knowledge of truth
Lot’s wife
Pillar in one place, stuck in the past hoping in a hopeless situation…


This was something I wrote 22nd October 2013. 7 years prior to that, I had attempted to commit suicide, and clearly I failed at that, and I thank God for that cause I was not saved. I know sometimes it feels as though things will never get better, and life will always be horrible with challenges at every corner. Well, there will be better days, and there will be slumpy days, but challenges will most probably always be there. The difference between me then and now is Christ. I’ve been made a new creation by His grace, and the old has passed away. No longer is everything about me, and the awesome thing about that is God’s glory has become first in my life, He is my father, and I want to please Him.

You know how Romans 8:28 says “those who love God all things work together for good”?
It is so true. Reflecting on how my sins were placed on Jesus, to the point where He cried out “My God my God, why have you forsaken me?“, that must have been the most painful thing ever, to be abandoned by His father, when he was the one person who never, not once, sinned – all for us. Since life is now Christ and no longer me, the challenges that do come, I can count them all joy knwoing they will produce steadfastness as I learn to lean on and trust God completely in all areas of my life and submit to His word.

When I think about how people sinned against me and hurt me, I quickly remember, or rather try to, that God loved me while I was still in my sins, and forgave me of my sins because of His son. Who am I to not forgive when others sin against me, when I have been so freely forgiven without having done anything to deserve that forgiveness. Even when I sin against other people, which I have done countless times, intentionally and unintentionally, when I see that I have sinned against them, I know I have sinned against God too, and in repentance I seek mercy from my Father and forgiveness from the person I’ve sinned against, and the lovely feeling I get when someone forgives me is priceless. It literally feels like the most precious gift ever. I should therefore also seek to give people that “gift” cheerfully when they come and ask for forgiveness. Another thing that just completely humbles me is how by God’s grace I have been saved from eternity in Hell, which is the worst thing that could ever happen to anybody, all the other challenges that happen on this Earth, are so small compared to what I have been saved from, and the story of Job just reminds me of how much my faith should be unwavering.

“Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.” – Psalm 34:8


Crushing the Trust


Ow the joys of being in love! Seeing him smile, the way he carries himself in godliness, his leadership that seems to come so naturally, how he just handles scripture… One problem, he is not yours.

The crush! If you haven’t gone through it, please teach me your ways! Being a single seems to be somewhat of a hot topic, like people don’t know what to do with themselves while their single. It just makes it worse when there is a mature godly somebody wondering around in your midsts, like, where to from here?

Well, if you were hoping to find a list of what to do to get over a crush or something like that, I’m sorry, no such thing here, BUT, I think I may just have something that should get us all thinking about what we treasure in our hearts.

Before I end up sounding like I’m a miss perfect let me share a bit of my crush story so you know where all this comes from. There was a certain somebody, *cough*, let’s call him Jay, and Jay is a godly guy, uses his mind, strength, body etc for the glory of God, he’s just that soul’d out guy for the Lord and he’s easy on the eye too. So, single me noticed single Jay and well, it was late for me. My mind became a cinema of endless romantic movies starring Jay and I. One movie we were missionaries out in the most undeveloped parts of the world, another I was perfect homemaker and mother and he was perfect father and worked hard to provide for the family, always the perfect reflection of how Christ loved the church. It all seems pretty cute huh? The problem is it had now become the thing that I loved to dwell on all day. It seemed like everything I did was no longer to please God but inwardly it was to get Jay to notice me and my oh so godly ways.

A God-given and beautiful desire, I had now to turned into an idol, I’d totally win the depravity award huh? Yeah, so that brought me to a place where I had to question what is my heart’s true desire. When I do something, am I doing it to get his attention, or am I truly doing it as an act of obedience to God. It is hard to sit down and truly question your intentions when you have a crush, because it becomes as easy as breathing to justify yourself somehow in doing whatever you are doing.
A neat example, you’re invited to a church event, and you were not planning to go because you have another plan, then you hear that your crush is going. Suddenly the other plan is no longer so important, and church events are always good in growing in the Lord, see where this is going?

“Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life”

 [Proverbs 4:23]

When we lose our sense of self-control and allow our emotions to take over, when we allow ourselves to put ANYTHING above God, we are leading ourselves straight to death. Being single we should never allow our emotions to crush our trust in God. He is, or at least should be the number one factor in our lives. Jesus taught us practically to always do the will of God even when it hurts most, this is a bit extreme though but it clearly shows how we should put ourselves in the background and trust God fully in everything, asking for His will to be done and not ours.

“…he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, My father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will”

[Matthew 26:39]

And that’s how it should be. Let’s not get so taken up by our desires that we put them above God, there is NOTHING wrong with desiring marriage and all that good stuff, but it shouldn’t be our idol. Let us be holy as He is holy, living our lives for His glory, we’re single, that’s all, we have all the gifts and abilities that God has given us to glorify Him NOW.

“The Lord is my strength and my shield;
in him my heart trusts, and I am helped;
my heart exults,
and with my song I give thanks to him”

[Psalm 28:7]

Religion or true conversion?

Confusion? Yeah that’s what I’ll call it…
For a while, a long while, as in just got it recently while, I always used to wonder whether its my job or a mysterious magic spell that I would change my life and be more like Christ. Please don’t stone me, but it was a serious concern for me.

I’d wanna do something good but stop myself cause hey, what if its just me trying to glorify myself. Or when it comes to doing what the flesh wanted I’d do it cause I was expecting some deep spiritual movement in me that would make it impossible for me to do that.

Wow. This bubble was interesting. Imagine how freeing it was to come across Philippians 2:13 “for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure”.
Say what?
I could’ve literally jumped with joy to read that!
Firstly it humbled me, cause there is nothing good that I can do. Well that took away a feeling of pride that I could’ve possibly wanted to do something good on my own. Secondly it made me want and look forward to doing good things because that is the work of God in me! Woop woop!!

But before I jump all fences in excitement, it made me see how foolish I was to somehow completely ignore the number of verses that point to a challenge it will be to pursue holiness… die daily… be steadfast and immovable… be watchful, stand firm in the faith… those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires….

Those are just some phrases I’m wondering how I used to not get before. Mind boggling.

By His grace He has opened my eyes… I feel free or rather braver now because I know that we are made to glorify God in all that we do.
It now makes sense to repent of what I thought were “small” things before.
It makes sense to fear too much praise from people, lest I start thinking that I have done something remarkable, when I’ve only done what I’ve been told to do.

All glory belongs to God, and all that we do should be a conscious effort to point people back to the cross. The mercy, love, compassion that flowed from that is something that leaves one in awe and should always be a marvel…

That will certainly be encouragement to die daily, to crucify my passions and desires and not be waiting, while indulging in the desires of the flesh waiting for some mysterious force to paralyze and control me like a robot. The desires I have to do good are from God and my responsibility is to make sure that I submit to the Lord and do what He says.

I pray that God may convict us when our intentions are wrong and help us daily in our lives to glorify Him in all that we do.

The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you all. Amen

I’d like to be..

Proverbs 31, how many times have I heard this? Feels like every lady in the world refers to themself as a proverbs 31 woman. Before I even knew what Proverbs 31 said, I had already started calling myself that as well… Till I read it.

Proverbs 31 woman is PHENOMENAL! I read that and wondered do people know what they are calling themselves? I certainly didn’t.

“Favour is deceitful and beauty is vain; but a woman that feareth the Lord she shall be praised”

That verse just highlights the most important factor of a “Proverbs 31” woman, she fears the Lord.

Fear because she is in total awe of God. When we see how holy and good God is, it should make us tremble at the knowledge of our own sins… But wow, what a merciful God we have, if it wasn’t for Jesus there would be nothing that we can do worthy enough to make us acceptable to God. All we can do is believe in His son Jesus Christ… That’s a topic for another day though….

A woman who fears the Lord lives in holiness, the way she carries herself, the way she talks, the way she responds to situations in life. Her life gives glory to God. She’s always aiming to please God, she may not be perfect but her practice of life professes godliness…

Now wouldn’t you like to be that? A woman who fears the Lord.

I’d like to be that.