Darkness, confusion, lusting after a life of good times alone, that was the prize i placed my hope in, but it never came…
Always came close but never quite got there…
I thought if I did better in this, got better at that, beat this one in this maybe then the smile I am known for would have real reason, but it never came…
Drawing me closer and closer with glittering sparks dancing around calling my name promising more… The sparks kept glittering till they were no more, there I was, lost in a dark unknown place with no one to call.
Why had I moved cause I never quite got there…
Instead of bringing darkness to the light, I let the darkness consume and reduce me to nothing. Around me was nothing. Inside me was nothing. That’s what I was – nothing.
She thought I was bluffing
the thoughts of all those hands…
man, my mind was rushing
All i wanted was to numb the pain
Never to go through it again
So I did something insane not knowing it would be in vain.
pop, swallow, 1
can’t believe I’m doing this
pop swallow, 2
but why would they do that to me
pop swallow, 3
failure defines my life, I’ll never be anything, to anyone
pop swallow 4
Life is better off without me,
pop swallow 5,6,7,8
Now I’ve lost count.
there’s no more pain
I’m saying please don’t tell dad
paramedic poking me
keep your eyes open
family members all around me
This must be what it’s like to be loved
two days later, now I know what I’ve done
16 year old kid tryna take air with a pill
7 years later I’m sitting here writing this story
grateful to God that my life was spared
it’s all by grace that I am where I am
Finally I have found my peace, my joy, my life
If He hadn’t died on that cross and risen again
I’d still be a dead soul with no knowledge of truth
Pillar in one place, stuck in the past hoping in a hopeless situation…
This was something I wrote 22nd October 2013. 7 years prior to that, I had attempted to commit suicide, and clearly I failed at that, and I thank God for that cause I was not saved. I know sometimes it feels as though things will never get better, and life will always be horrible with challenges at every corner. Well, there will be better days, and there will be slumpy days, but challenges will most probably always be there. The difference between me then and now is Christ. I’ve been made a new creation by His grace, and the old has passed away. No longer is everything about me, and the awesome thing about that is God’s glory has become first in my life, He is my father, and I want to please Him.
You know how Romans 8:28 says “those who love God all things work together for good”?
It is so true. Reflecting on how my sins were placed on Jesus, to the point where He cried out “My God my God, why have you forsaken me?“, that must have been the most painful thing ever, to be abandoned by His father, when he was the one person who never, not once, sinned – all for us. Since life is now Christ and no longer me, the challenges that do come, I can count them all joy knwoing they will produce steadfastness as I learn to lean on and trust God completely in all areas of my life and submit to His word.
When I think about how people sinned against me and hurt me, I quickly remember, or rather try to, that God loved me while I was still in my sins, and forgave me of my sins because of His son. Who am I to not forgive when others sin against me, when I have been so freely forgiven without having done anything to deserve that forgiveness. Even when I sin against other people, which I have done countless times, intentionally and unintentionally, when I see that I have sinned against them, I know I have sinned against God too, and in repentance I seek mercy from my Father and forgiveness from the person I’ve sinned against, and the lovely feeling I get when someone forgives me is priceless. It literally feels like the most precious gift ever. I should therefore also seek to give people that “gift” cheerfully when they come and ask for forgiveness. Another thing that just completely humbles me is how by God’s grace I have been saved from eternity in Hell, which is the worst thing that could ever happen to anybody, all the other challenges that happen on this Earth, are so small compared to what I have been saved from, and the story of Job just reminds me of how much my faith should be unwavering.
“Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.” – Psalm 34:8